Balanced Life journey

I have a difficult time working on “unproductive” tasks.

I said this to a friend recently when she asked if I plan to get back to writing. That response has been haunting me since. It started with a gentle tapping on the shoulder, “there’s something deeper here” it told me. This morning it felt more like a slap across the face, the way someone would try to jolt you back to consciousness. That’s when it hit me; unproductive = self-care. I see anything related to self-care as unproductive.

Writing? Time would be better spent catching up on laundry.

Exercise? Well, cleaning the house kind of feels like a workout.

Hell I even talk myself out of sleep. SLEEP. “It’s 4AM and I’m already awake. I could try to go back to sleep and get a few more hours or…sexy idea…I could tip toe around the living room like a quiet, cleaning bandit.

Are you a mom? If so, I’d bet the house that you have the same struggle. The crazy thing is I’ve noticed this seems to apply ONLY to moms. Dads, at least the father of my children, have no problem making time for themselves. My husband takes his sweet ass time on the toilet, for starters. What mother do you know that plays on her phone for half an hour while pooping? I’ll wait.

My husband has a “I’ll get to it” mentality when it comes to responsibilities. I have spent years resenting him for this. I mean a hot, seething RAGE, steam coming out of my ears type of resentment. I have been known to aggressively clean while staring a hole through the man while he nonchalantly plays videos games. He accurately describes this as me throwing a fit.

But the truth is….I envy him. I want to be calm amidst the chaos that surrounds me. I want to do things just for the joy of it too, even if that means putting productivity aside.

So, as mothers, why does taking the time for self-care feel like torture? I LOVE writing, but taking the time to write with a dirty kitchen and laundry strewn about the house literally makes me nauseas. I know I need to workout, but 30 minutes of lifting weights feels pointless when I could spend 30 minutes lifting toys from the floor to their proper shelf instead.

One time I asked my husband something along the lines of “do you not feel the need to clean?” to which he responded “I wouldn’t want to take the joy of cleaning away from you, baby!”. Don’t come for him with pitchforks – he was only joking. But I can see why he would think I love cleaning since I do it, oh, I don’t know, CONSTANTLY. Let me clarify, I do not love cleaning. I love having a clean home.

Ask yourself this: Do I love having a clean home more than I love myself? Did you hesitate for even just a fraction of a second? I did.

Here’s what I’m learning about myself: having my to-do list checked off does not bring me joy as much as it mitigates my anxiety. My entire life I have equated the absence of stress with happiness. If I can remove this mess, this thing causing me stress, I’ll feel better.

But I want a full life.

I want a life that has laughter filling in all of the crevasses. A life full of memories of time well-spent with my children as a version of myself that I can be proud of. I want my children to have memories of me being gentle not only with them, but with myself as well. I want them to remember a mother with a sparkle in her eyes, not a house with sparkling floors.

The reality is that nobody in my family but me really cares about having a clean house. That used to piss me right off, but now it brings me peace. My 3 year old doesn’t care about the pile of clothes I never seem to get put away; she just wants mommy to read her books before bed. My husband would rather us dance around the kitchen island than load the dishwasher that resides within it. My 6 week old baby would prefer I stare into his eyes while feeding him versus trying to multi-task. All of that sounds pretty productive if you ask me.

I finally get it now – why couples renew their vows. Prior to marriage, even during years one, two, and three, it made no sense to me. We already took a vow, and we’re still married. Our wedding vows are framed and hanging in our bedroom as a daily reminder, so why renew?

Because if I could go back to our wedding day, knowing what I do four years later, I’d have so much more to say to you.

I’d tell you how absolutely immeasurably proud I am to be your wife. On our wedding day I was proud as well, of course, but that was nothing compared to how I feel now. Watching you become the world’s greatest father. Witnessing the grace with which you handled being a police officer in 2020. And now, being blown away by your adaptability and willingness to pivot careers for your family. I am simply in awe of you.

I’d thank you for being my gravity – the force that always keeps me grounded. You have this incredible ability to both indulge my dreams and keep me in the realm of reality. You trust me to take charge, yet you know when I need you to step in. You are my compass, pointing me back to true north when I’ve lost my way.

I’d cry during our first dance the way I cried when I danced with my dad. On our wedding day I wasn’t prepared for how thankful I’d be for you in four short years. I never thought I could respect another man quite as much as I respect my dad…not even my husband. I guess I thought my heart couldn’t expand to the level of holding more than one person in such high regard. Now being your wife, and being a mother, I’ve learned the elasticity of my heart. It grows with every year we are married. With every child we have. With every challenge we face together and conquer.

I’ve learned that while wedding vows are a beautiful promise, the anthem of your marriage is written over the years. We’ve had moments in harmony and moments out of tune, but the song in our hearts remain the same year after year. We are two souls on one beautiful journey together.

As I finish writing this, with tears fueled by gratitude and hormones falling, Your Song by Elton John comes on. What a perfect way to sum up my “vow renewal” to you, Austin.

I hope you don’t mind

I hope you don’t mind

That I put into words

How wonderful life is while you’re in the world (and my husband)

As I set here typing, my noise canceling headphones drowning our my daughter’s cries, I know without a doubt that we have entered the ‘terrible twos’. I’ve got a glass of wine to my left, 1 tequila & soda in my blood, and lingering guilt because I didn’t brush her teeth or put her in pajamas. It was a long day at work (the 7th in a row), I’m PMSing, and if we’re being honest I’m in straight up survival mode tonight. Keep the tiny human alive. That’s your only goal for the night.

There’s a brief pause after this paragraph between songs, and immediately Ellie’s piercing scream envelopes me. I check the monitor – she’s laying down and clearly exhausted. “Let her settle” I tell myself, yet still I feel guilty for wanting to do something for myself more than wanting to comfort her. I know she doesn’t need to be comforted – she’s never been a cuddly baby. Going in there would actually disrupt her routine, yet still I feel guilt. I finish my glass of wine and breathe deeply: “there’s no way I’m going to miss THIS.”

…said every toddler mom THAT EVER EXISTED. I’ll miss her angelic voice and infectious giggles. I’ll miss her baby soft, hint of red hair curling around her ears. I’ll miss her cute little baby butt and sloppy kisses, but you can’t tell me that I’ll miss moments like this:

{her and I both exhausted to the point of tears. Me with equal parts crushing guilt and my last fuck in the wind. Cursing my husband for working nights. Promising myself we are NOT having any more children. Yea – one of those nights.}

I’ve spend the entirety of 2020 pushing for personal/spiritual growth. I started this year determined to prioritize my mental heath first, my family second, and my career third. Prior to that it’s always been the inverse: work, family, me (if there’s anything left – ha!). I made this mental shift after experiencing burn out and realizing that I wasn’t fully present for my daughter’s first year of life. I was having too many survival mode nights – nights like tonight. And what I realize is that although 2019 was my hardest year yet, I look back on it fondly.

The revelations that I’ve recently come to wouldn’t have been possible without my previous suffering. Every sleepless night and miserably long commute brought me closer to my higher self. It gave me a crystal clear picture of what I didn’t want in my life, therefore catapulting my toward what I truly valued. Had I not been pushed to my breaking point I would have never broken down; broken it all down in order to build something new.

And in this moment I remind myself that I will miss this exhausting night so very much one day…maybe in 1 year or maybe in 10. I’ll look back and smile at the memory of being vulnerable and starting a blog. I’ll remember how precious Ellie sounds saying “buh bye, now” when she’s upset. Baby shark will play back in my mind and I’ll envision how thrilled my daughter was to see her shark Halloween costume.

I’ll look back one day and pray for another survival mode night as a healthy 30 year old woman, with healthy parents and in-laws and best friends that live within a few hours of me. I know that these things listed above can’t last forever. I’m at the age where I realize that my parents aren’t immortal and come to think of it, I’m no spring chicken either. I miss being as ‘fat’ as I thought I was when I was 25. I miss cramming for exams at Alderman Library in college even though you better believe I was NOT happy to be there at the time. Much like I’m NOT happy when I’m having a really rough night in my 30s. But I’ll miss it one day. I know that.

The thing about life is that the rough moments are what MAKE you. The good days are great of course. But the bad days? That’s when you have to dig deep into your soul. You have to knock on God’s door and say “Hey, I’m struggling. Can you guide me? Can you help me grow from this?”. It’s when you lean on your best friend and facetime them just to cry so someone can sit in the pain with you…because sitting with the pain alone is scary. Those are the moments that you’ll miss because those are the moments when you’re vulnerable, and when you’re vulnerable there is an opening for love and growth and so much gratitude.

When I hit my breaking point at the end of 2019 I was incredibly vulnerable. I had a huge gaping spot in my soul begging for substance. I wanted to fill my soul with all of the good things in life, and I found myself prioritizing love above all else. On days like today where I’m struggling to get by, I remember to fill that vulnerable space with the grace and gratitude. I express gratitude for the personal growth that will come from this and I practice patience with myself. In my darkest days I remind myself that ‘you’re going to miss this’. And I believe it.

Only you can control your emotions. My dad has a lot of mantras that he lives by…that he’s passed down to me. This one is by far my favorite. As I’ve grown this advice has guided me like a compass, pointing me back toward my higher self. In times of stress I close my eyes and remember *Deep breath…count to 10…only you control your emotions“. Knowing that I, and only I, can choose my emotions gives me a sense of control in a world that often makes me feel powerless (I’m looking at you, 2020).

When you think about it, our emotions hold ALL of the power. Your reaction to a situation creates your reality in the present moment. Today, for example, I dropped my phone while on a family walk and the screen cracked in several places. I initially reacted with intense disappointment/frustration with myself for not having a case on it. Within a few seconds, however, I remembered that disappointment and frustration wouldn’t serve me well. The screen was already cracked – being in a bad mood for the rest of the day wouldn’t change that. I could choose to carry those negative emotions with me for the remainder of my day, or I could recenter myself and let it go. By controlling my emotions in that moment I created a more positive reality.

That being said, I know we can’t control our circumstances. Life is constantly throwing curve balls and we’ll inevitably be knocked off balance from time to time. BUT choosing your emotions does get easier with practice. It’s human nature to accept your first reaction to a tough situation. Your spouse says something hurtful and you’re angry about it – period. When negativity swells within you try pausing and asking yourself “Is this how I want to feel right now? What is a more positive response that I can have in this moment?”

You likely won’t be able to shift your energy from rage to optimism (that would be a huge jump in the scale below), but perhaps you can move from rage to discouragement. The next time that situation arises maybe you can move from discouragement to worry, then from worry to disappointment. In the earlier example of your spouse saying something hurtful, over time you may find yourself defaulting to worry vs. anger (He’s been stressed at work lately which explains why he’s being grumpy – I worry he’s not taking care of himself).

It’s important to note here that we shouldn’t ignore how we’re feeling or try to force ourselves into a happier mindset if we’re not ready to move there. Let your emotions wash over you like a wave, for as many waves as you need. When you feel ready, however, work your way up this scale toward love and joy. Every emotional response that you have is like an energetic boomerang, ensuring that vibration comes right back to you. It’s my hope that you choose to throw more positive boomerangs for yourself.

In the video below (and I’m pretty sure in one of her books) Brené Brown asks “Do you think people are doing the best they can?” She recounts asking a group of people to write down the name of one person they just KNOW isn’t doing their best. She speaks with a woman who wrote down her sister’s name, and Brené asks her “What if God told you that they are doing their best?”. The woman replied:

If God told me that she was doing the very best that she could, I would have to stop being angry and have to start grieving the loss of a sister that I needed in my life…and I would try to love her…

Damn. If I had been at that conference 5-10 years ago, I would have said those exact words myself. As a bit of backstory, I have one sibling (my sister) who is 8 years older than me. My sister met her abuser when she was just 12 and soon after fell into a life riddled with domestic and drug abuse. Her addiction caused a great deal of turmoil for our family from my earliest memories into early adulthood.

She is now several years clean, flourishing, and I am SO proud of her (love you sissy!) – however I spent decades building an identity around my anger toward her. I always carried the story of my suffering with me so it was ready to be shared when it served me, be it an excuse for poor behavior or a means to gain sympathy. It was a cowardly way to deal with my grief, but I forgive myself for it (more on that later).

After hearing this question from Brené a few years ago I decided to believe that people are doing their best given their circumstances (I added that last part). I began to understand that while my sister’s best rarely met my expectations , it was her best given her circumstances at that time. My expectations of her were shaped from an outsider’s perspective – a perspective lacking knowledge of everything she was up against. Growing up I had no idea that she was suffering from domestic abuse – I just saw her as a drug addict. She had so much more going on under the surface than anyone could have imagined. We ALL have more going on under the surface. We ALL have our own unique circumstances that dictate what our best looks like.

In forgiving my sister I also found a way to forgive myself. We have built a strong, loving relationship over the last few years, however I deeply regret pushing her away for so long. I now see that my grief was too big to process at the time. During that time of intense anger I was doing my best to find a place for those emotions. I was doing my best, and therefore it’s easy to forgive myself for those mistakes.

I find that it’s easy to forgive just about anyone for anything when you keep this in mind.

Is it ever really possible to know if people are truly doing their best? I suppose not. But if it’s impossible to know for sure either way, why not chose the option that brings you greater peace? Why not choose the kinder, more compassionate option?

I got my only sibling back because of 5 words: people are doing their best. I know that I’m doing my best, and I bet you feel that you are doing your best too.

I’d love to hear from you! Comment below and let me know if you agree that people are doing their best. Is there someone you can start to forgive with this in mind?

With love and gratitude, Kels

I am now a self-proclaimed fierce protector of “my cup”. A cup has become the universal symbol for self love and personal energy preserves. We’ve all heard the saying you can’t pour from an empty cup. While this may be true, that awareness hasn’t stopped us all from trying. We pour from our cups all day – a bit into our careers, a portion to our family, and a dash to housework. All too often we’re left with an empty cup, yet we still have daily tasks that require something of us. A toddler needs to be tucked (back) into bed, dishes are overflowing, toys scatter the floor, and you still haven’t paid the phone bill. Somewhere along the way we miscalculated the balance in our energy bank. We are notorious for overestimating how much we can give to others (can I get an AMEN?).

What are we to do when our cup runs dry, but we must keep running our lives? We make substitutions. When you have to give something, but you have nothing left to give, you must improvise. You’ll reach for anything to keep you afloat – just for today. “Just for today” turns into days, then weeks, and from there a habit is born. Just like *snaps* THAT.

With the best of intentions we create habits out of desperation. Maybe we start turning to wine to cope with stress or we look for an afternoon energy surge from candy. We ALL have our “quick fix vices” as I like to call them. Enough of these habits will lead you to a lifestyle of putting junk in your cup and trying to pass it off as your own pure energy. But let’s be real – we all know when we’re putting junk out to the universe in hopes of slipping under the radar.

As if our children aren’t intuitive enough to notice when we’re utterly depleted.

As if our spouses can’t see the dullness in our eyes.

Why is it so hard to simply pause, refill, and resume? I don’t have a clear answer to that question, but the first word that comes to my mind is guilt. As a mother I struggle with the guilt of caring for myself DAILY. For me, I think it’s because self-care involves a great deal of stillness. I visualize motherhood as cloud of chaos swirling above my head, as if a tornado had picked up the whole damn house. When I pause for stillness it feels as if the spinning of that cloud will stop with me, and then it will all come crashing down. That’s quite the burden to bear – feeling that your entire household will literally fall out of the sky if you take a moment to recharge your soul. What an unrealistic and unnecessary pressure to inflect on ourselves!

Look – I’m no expert in self-care. Two weeks ago I called my mom on the verge of tears because I “wasted the day” taking a long nap after dropping Ellie at school on my day off. Then I called my best friend because I needed more than one person to remind me that taking care of yourself is NEVER a waste of time. In fact, it’s the single most productive thing you can do.

It’s taken me nearly a year to get comfortable with self-care. Here’s a few tips/ideas that have helped along the way:

• There is enough time and space for it ALL (I heard this mantra in a yoga class years ago. I repeat it to myself whenever I get overwhelmed with responsibilities)
• Remove/Replace habits that no longer serve you.
• Prioritize your life and give energy accordingly. (What you choose to prioritize is personal, but for the love of god please put your own health at the top of that list!)
• Your reaction to situations dictates how much energy you waste. (Be stingy with your cup! Save that energy for the items at the top of your priority list.)
• What other people think of your is none of your business.
• Odds are, nobody but you even cares about *insert thing you’re stressing about unnecessarily here*
• A full cup = A full life

One more note about self-care and filling your cup. Sometimes it’s hard work. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a bit of tough love in order to release old habits and form new ones. Have grace with yourself and be patient. Just like squeezing the delicious juice from an orange, sometimes you have to really squeeze for a drop of revitalization. It’s worth it. YOU are worth it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Comment Below with your favorite ways to refill your own cup! What self-care habits make you feel most energized and happy? Do you have any old habits that no longer serve you?

Until next time, with love and gratitude, Kels

We’ve all been there – writing the perfect text or email just to backspace and retype in circles.  Too often we leave words unspoken in fear of being misunderstood, and we file away those thoughts to simply fade with time.  And so here we are, at the 4th and final revision of my first blog post.  At some point you just have to put the pen down.

I now realize that while my thoughts may never fully translate or resonate with you, it would be a greater disservice (if only to myself) to let them wilt within me.  So I aim to share with you from a place of pure intentions and honesty. This is preceded by months of learning to extend the courtesy of honesty to myself, and I’ve learned that’s a LOT easier said than done.  Lying to ourselves is as natural as breathing. Why?  Because lying to ourselves allows us to take the path of least resistance when we’re too tired to face the truth and make a change.

I can make this work.

I’ll do it tomorrow.

I’m too busy.

I’m building my career so it’s OK to sacrifice (XYZ) juuust for a little while.

Sound familiar? “I’m too busy” was my mantra in 2019. I’m embarrassed to say that I literally had a framed sign declaring “I’M VERY BUSY” on my desk at home.  I wore my exhaustion with pride because I had built that life for myself.  Being busy showed the world that I had accomplished something – lots of things!  Look at me and all of the exhausting things I’m doing!  Why is our society so impressed with people running themselves into the ground? Jumping from one task to another limited the likelihood that I’d take a moment to stop and sort through my deeper issues. You better believe I lied to myself every single day in 2019, knowing there was nothing left in me to repair what was broken.  I’d slap a proverbial band-aid on my poor heart and keep fighting the good fight (or so what I thought was a “good” fight at the time).

By December the wounds that I had inflicted on myself were undeniable. I was smoking (a lot of) cigarettes, self-medicating with (a lot of) food and alcohol, and my spirit was broken.  I was completely burned out. I had a “come-to-Jesus” with myself over Christmas break, in an old farm house with no cell service or distractions.  I truly had to remove myself from the death grip of that toxic lifestyle for a few weeks in order to see how deeply I had fallen.  In that moment I realized that I held the power to change my life.  I had spent my 20’s digging this hole, but I could spend my 30’s climbing out.  Nobody, aside from my own fear, was stopping me from tearing down all that I had created in order to rebuild from scratch.  You’re allowed to walk away when the life you’re living no longer serves you! *insert mind blown emoji here*

And so I did.  I completely surrendered myself to the universe/god knowing that it would bring me back to love, health, and happiness.  I took a step down in my career, sold my house, and moved my family to another state were we had exactly 2 friends, 0 family, and 100% faith that we were on the right path. The past 8 months have been a complete whirlwind for me in the best ways possible. When I sit back in observation it truly takes my breath away.

♥How wonderful life can be when you stop fighting the bad and start allowing the good.♥

I won’t dwell any further in the suffering that lead me to this point – that’s not where the magic is. The magic started with a keen awareness that I was destined for more than my struggles. Guess what? You are too. We all have a life filled with light and love that’s been waiting for us, and will always be waiting for us, just on the other side of stubbornness.

My journey to mental, physical, and spiritual wellness is just beginning, but I think it’s worth sharing.  I’m aiming to share 1 post with you per week on topics related to my journey including meditation, work/life balance, mental health, law of attraction, toddler torture (inflicted on the parent by the child), healthier habits, etc.  I want to share both opinions and science, with a whole lot of vulnerability mixed in there!  Most importantly I want to spread joy.

DISCLAIMER: I have no idea what I’m doing starting a blog. Not. A. Clue.  It took me FIVE months to get this show on the road and a few hours just to add a “subscribe” button.  Should you continue along this journey with me I’d like to thank you in advance for your patience with my lack of IT skills, or any knowledge of how to run a blog/website for that matter.  Sometimes you just gotta dive in and do the damn thing, right? 🙂

With love and gratitude, Kels