Are People Doing Their Best?

In the video below (and I’m pretty sure in one of her books) Brené Brown asks “Do you think people are doing the best they can?” She recounts asking a group of people to write down the name of one person they just KNOW isn’t doing their best. She speaks with a woman who wrote down her sister’s name, and Brené asks her “What if God told you that they are doing their best?”. The woman replied:

If God told me that she was doing the very best that she could, I would have to stop being angry and have to start grieving the loss of a sister that I needed in my life…and I would try to love her…

Damn. If I had been at that conference 5-10 years ago, I would have said those exact words myself. As a bit of backstory, I have one sibling (my sister) who is 8 years older than me. My sister met her abuser when she was just 12 and soon after fell into a life riddled with domestic and drug abuse. Her addiction caused a great deal of turmoil for our family from my earliest memories into early adulthood.

She is now several years clean, flourishing, and I am SO proud of her (love you sissy!) – however I spent decades building an identity around my anger toward her. I always carried the story of my suffering with me so it was ready to be shared when it served me, be it an excuse for poor behavior or a means to gain sympathy. It was a cowardly way to deal with my grief, but I forgive myself for it (more on that later).

After hearing this question from Brené a few years ago I decided to believe that people are doing their best given their circumstances (I added that last part). I began to understand that while my sister’s best rarely met my expectations , it was her best given her circumstances at that time. My expectations of her were shaped from an outsider’s perspective – a perspective lacking knowledge of everything she was up against. Growing up I had no idea that she was suffering from domestic abuse – I just saw her as a drug addict. She had so much more going on under the surface than anyone could have imagined. We ALL have more going on under the surface. We ALL have our own unique circumstances that dictate what our best looks like.

In forgiving my sister I also found a way to forgive myself. We have built a strong, loving relationship over the last few years, however I deeply regret pushing her away for so long. I now see that my grief was too big to process at the time. During that time of intense anger I was doing my best to find a place for those emotions. I was doing my best, and therefore it’s easy to forgive myself for those mistakes.

I find that it’s easy to forgive just about anyone for anything when you keep this in mind.

Is it ever really possible to know if people are truly doing their best? I suppose not. But if it’s impossible to know for sure either way, why not chose the option that brings you greater peace? Why not choose the kinder, more compassionate option?

I got my only sibling back because of 5 words: people are doing their best. I know that I’m doing my best, and I bet you feel that you are doing your best too.

I’d love to hear from you! Comment below and let me know if you agree that people are doing their best. Is there someone you can start to forgive with this in mind?

With love and gratitude, Kels