We’ve all been there – writing the perfect text or email just to backspace and retype in circles. Too often we leave words unspoken in fear of being misunderstood, and we file away those thoughts to simply fade with time. And so here we are, at the 4th and final revision of my first blog post. At some point you just have to put the pen down.
I now realize that while my thoughts may never fully translate or resonate with you, it would be a greater disservice (if only to myself) to let them wilt within me. So I aim to share with you from a place of pure intentions and honesty. This is preceded by months of learning to extend the courtesy of honesty to myself, and I’ve learned that’s a LOT easier said than done. Lying to ourselves is as natural as breathing. Why? Because lying to ourselves allows us to take the path of least resistance when we’re too tired to face the truth and make a change.
I can make this work.
I’ll do it tomorrow.
I’m too busy.
I’m building my career so it’s OK to sacrifice (XYZ) juuust for a little while.
Sound familiar? “I’m too busy” was my mantra in 2019. I’m embarrassed to say that I literally had a framed sign declaring “I’M VERY BUSY” on my desk at home. I wore my exhaustion with pride because I had built that life for myself. Being busy showed the world that I had accomplished something – lots of things! Look at me and all of the exhausting things I’m doing! Why is our society so impressed with people running themselves into the ground? Jumping from one task to another limited the likelihood that I’d take a moment to stop and sort through my deeper issues. You better believe I lied to myself every single day in 2019, knowing there was nothing left in me to repair what was broken. I’d slap a proverbial band-aid on my poor heart and keep fighting the good fight (or so what I thought was a “good” fight at the time).
By December the wounds that I had inflicted on myself were undeniable. I was smoking (a lot of) cigarettes, self-medicating with (a lot of) food and alcohol, and my spirit was broken. I was completely burned out. I had a “come-to-Jesus” with myself over Christmas break, in an old farm house with no cell service or distractions. I truly had to remove myself from the death grip of that toxic lifestyle for a few weeks in order to see how deeply I had fallen. In that moment I realized that I held the power to change my life. I had spent my 20’s digging this hole, but I could spend my 30’s climbing out. Nobody, aside from my own fear, was stopping me from tearing down all that I had created in order to rebuild from scratch. You’re allowed to walk away when the life you’re living no longer serves you! *insert mind blown emoji here*
And so I did. I completely surrendered myself to the universe/god knowing that it would bring me back to love, health, and happiness. I took a step down in my career, sold my house, and moved my family to another state were we had exactly 2 friends, 0 family, and 100% faith that we were on the right path. The past 8 months have been a complete whirlwind for me in the best ways possible. When I sit back in observation it truly takes my breath away.
♥How wonderful life can be when you stop fighting the bad and start allowing the good.♥
I won’t dwell any further in the suffering that lead me to this point – that’s not where the magic is. The magic started with a keen awareness that I was destined for more than my struggles. Guess what? You are too. We all have a life filled with light and love that’s been waiting for us, and will always be waiting for us, just on the other side of stubbornness.
My journey to mental, physical, and spiritual wellness is just beginning, but I think it’s worth sharing. I’m aiming to share 1 post with you per week on topics related to my journey including meditation, work/life balance, mental health, law of attraction, toddler torture (inflicted on the parent by the child), healthier habits, etc. I want to share both opinions and science, with a whole lot of vulnerability mixed in there! Most importantly I want to spread joy.
DISCLAIMER: I have no idea what I’m doing starting a blog. Not. A. Clue. It took me FIVE months to get this show on the road and a few hours just to add a “subscribe” button. Should you continue along this journey with me I’d like to thank you in advance for your patience with my lack of IT skills, or any knowledge of how to run a blog/website for that matter. Sometimes you just gotta dive in and do the damn thing, right? 🙂
With love and gratitude, Kels